When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You’re not sure what to do with yourself because you don’t understand why the person you loved so much just walked out on you.
So you do the only thing you can do after crying a river: you pick yourself up and do the best you can to move on with your life. And just when you start to enjoy life and be happy again sans a partner, someone comes along and robs you off your sleep.
The first time you fall in love after a heart break, it’s going to be different. Instead of the usual excitement and butterflies in your stomach feeling, you will be overcame with an overwhelming sense of resistance. You’ve gotten so used to and comfortable with being alone that you find nothing more desirable and fulfilling than the single life. You probably have said ‘I’m not into commitments’ a million times, and you believe this so genuinely that you have mentally blocked yourself from getting attracted. And then it happens.
One second you are convinced you’re impervious to love that no one can even get to your heart, the next, you’re surrounded by the offcuts of the wall you’ve built.
The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll panic. After realizing you’ve flipped, fear will creep in. That is on top of the smiles to yourself, the butterflies in your stomach and the excitement. It is undeniably the most fucked up combination. You’ll spend sleepless nights thinking if you can do it again, then their name pops on your phone, and suddenly you don’t care anymore. And repeat ad nauseam.
The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll feel scared, and that is as you find yourself falling harder and harder, and them getting closer and closer to the parts of you you’ve locked away so perfectly. You will realize it’s getting committed that you’re scared of. It’s the fear of reprise, of heartbreak. While the logical part of yourself tells you it’s inevitable and no matter how hard you try to spare yourself from it, you wouldn’t listen to logic. You will cave in.
The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll suffer from a bout of amnesia. You give in to the feeling, but still try to convince yourself you’re in control. You will realize falling in love for the second time is the same as the first, but with perspective.
The same rush, the same desire, the same exchange of promises, and yet you’ll feel like you’ve never done it before.
You’re going to poke and prod your partner and be like, ‘How do I do this again? How do I love you?” Falling in love again is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget, and somehow, it doesn’t bore you. Actually, you like it.
The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’re more aware. You have gained some grip on reality that you didn’t have before, you’ll end up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Were you super friendly with your guy friends you had not thought your boyfriend might be jealous? You will be more sensitive. Were you the jealous and possessive boyfriend who wants her to yourself? You will be more trusting. You will hope you know how it works..after all the lessons you’ve learned in the past.
The first time you fall in love again after a heart break, you will love like you’ve never done it before. After letting go of everything that stops you from enjoying the moment, you will find yourself writing the letter you swore you’ll never write again. You will enjoy the love songs you got sick of listening to. You will hold hands, cuddle and snuggle, and kiss like you don’t care about the world that you will forget all the snarky comments you made when you were the one witnessing those things in public. Who gives a shit? You’re happy.
The first time you fall in love again after a heart break, it will be amazing. You lie there watching him snoring in his sleep and then it will suddenly hit you that you have fallen, hard and irrevocably.
You will realize that no matter how good it felt when you were alone and living the life, you will not have things any other way.
You’ll want to laugh at yourself for the quirk of the moment. But the one thing you won’t want to do is to leave. You couldn’t even if you tried.
The first time you fall in love again is not the first. The first time was insane and magical – something you cannot reclaim, but that’s okay. What you have now is the cheesiest, most cringe-inducing realization you’ll have. But you’ll smile when you get it because you have never felt like this before. Because what you have now is real. It’s about two whole people coming to make something new together. Something beautiful. Something lasting.
You were my first love and essentially my everything. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I was putty in your hands because I was so vulnerably in love with you. Loving you made me crazy. Not in a bad way; in a beautiful, earth-shattering way. It made me experience feelings that I didn’t even know were possible. I never knew I could feel so deeply for another person until you came into my life.
And then you broke my heart. You crushed it and left me with scars that will never fully go away. In the beginning, I didn’t think I would be able to make it through the heartbreak. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt. It was like you had driven me out into a desert, told me I was worthless and then drove away, leaving me there to starve and die on my own. I was absolutely terrified. Everything that I knew about my future and myself was shattered. I barely knew who I was anymore. I couldn’t even properly function, reducing myself to a hysterical mess on my couch for three days straight.
Everyone kept saying to me “time heals all wounds.” At first I just couldn’t bring myself to believe them. But after a while, I started to feel like they might be right. I observed many of my friends who had been abruptly been broken up with just like me and they were all doing fine now.
I began to feel to feel a sense of hope that I might be doing fine one day as well. And now I am. It’s still a work in progress and I still feel pain sometimes, but I see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
So I just want to thank you for breaking my heart. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to hit rock bottom and then pick myself up from there. If I didn’t know how it feels to reach my lowest point, I wouldn’t fully understand how strong I am and how much resilience I possess. Thank you for breaking off our relationship because now I know that I am worth so much more than what you were willing to give me. Know I can see what I want in a man and what I don’t want. I will look for someone who truly comprehends how special I am and someone who values me way more than you ever did.
Thank you for crushing me. Now I realize that I had lost myself in you. Now I can focus on getting myself back to the incredible and single person I was before I was even been in a relationship. Thank you for making me see the beauty in this breakdown. There was magnificence and poetry in the pain I experienced. Thank you for helping me explore my artistic outlets. It has given me so much inspiration to pursue my love of the arts.
At the same time, thank you for being my first love. If you had never loved me, I wouldn’t know how beautiful life is. You added so many colors to my world. For the first time in my life, I understood every love song, every smile and every blue sky. Love makes life worth living and without you I would have never known how true that is. This entire heartbreak wouldn’t have hurt so badly if we didn’t love each other so passionately. We didn’t end on bad terms and maybe someday we’ll reunite but for now, I just want to thank you for helping me see the splendor in this cruel world.
So thank you for giving me this remarkable experience of loving and losing. I’ve never felt more emotions in my entire life. I’ve also never felt more accomplished. I think a part of me will always love you. But I know that every part of me will forever feel grateful that you loved me, broke my heart and showed me what I’m really made of.
featured image – Patty